This one doesn't count

A friend of mine has an image on her FB page that I really like.  It reads: "I have a two part question.  

1. What would you do if you knew you were going to die?


2. How did you convince yourself you weren't?"

Many people (myself included) find themselves not trying at something because this isn't the life they WANT. Because of that, somehow this doesn't really count. If it's not the life you'd have chosen, then things don't matter because today you're not presented as who or where you were hoping to be.

The problem here lies in the fact that there are no "continues" in this game of life.

You certainly can't hit the reset button.  You get one lap around the track, and whether you got off to the start you should have or not, the clock is ticking.  All the energy you have burned up being in conflict with the now, is gone.  The time you think you need to take to find yourself doesn't really exist.

"You find yourself now.  Right now, in the moment.  Or you don't find yourself." -Eckhart Tolle

You may not be in this place, but here is my abridged story on convincing myself this one doesn't count:

I remember thinking that I'd get a great job that pays six figures and I'd be able to wipe out all my debts practically overnight. THEN I'd have the money and time to do what I really wanted to do (bear in mind it was 2010 and I had been homeless and had to pick up food boxes to keep from going hungry).  I remember thinking that I would rescue a princess who had connections, we'd get married and live happily ever after.  The unicorns were sure to follow.  It's called "magical thinking" by my therapist. For me, it created a false narrative that let me off the hook for getting my shit together.  Like there was a time and place that I was supposed to be my best self and these environmental conditions had not been met yet, so I had to stay in my world. The world of a cute ne'er-do-well/trainwreck.

There was a subtle shift in my perception that took hold over the course of a few months when I started to let go of "should".  I started to allow myself to be happy and enjoy the moment. Even if the moment was a cold and wet walk home, or a missed bus, or new connection with much to be discovered.  I started to see every good decision as an act of love that I could show myself or my community, and while I still have adventures, accidents and alcohol-related incidents, my actions bring more wisdom, love and joy into my life.  I don't feel like I'm struggling, suffering or seasonally affected.  I still have mountains to live, love and learn.  I'm not a total trainwreck anymore and I am having fun living my life.

I hope you're treating this life like it's the only one you're ever going to have... and the best is yet to come.  The moment you chose to embrace yourself and accept "what is", you'll be on the journey towards finding your own bliss, unicorns or not.

Don't go chasin' unicorns. TFW Portland